Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Friendshit.

Since I've been writing about her on Flickr publicly for about a year now, I see no point in changing her name to 'protect' her. Chances are you'd figure out who she is anyway. But I'm in a place where I don't feel comfortable calling her what I usually call her: Sissy. Things have changed and she's just Meg now. 


It's weird. For years she was my Sissy, my best friend, my other half-in-the-completely-platonic-friendship way. When you said one name, you had to say the other. "Where's MegandColey?" "MegandColey said they were going..." You know?


And somewhere hidden in the last 2 years is the exact moment our friendship took a turn for the worst. I'm guessing she knows the exact date. But me, I'm clueless.


I want to start out by saying that I'm not here to attack her. I'm more writing this for myself, trying to figure everything out. 


When I moved from MD to here my life turned upside down and the ground shit on me. When I did live in MD, in middle school and highschool Meg lived 10 minutes from me. Almost EVERY day was spent at each others' houses. We were inseparable. The siamese friends. We never fought. The only fight I recall is when she saw my arms with cutting scars and blew up at me. But I don't really see that as a fight, it's more concern for your friends' mental health and well-being. And even though I fought her through the whole process she didn't give up on me, she helped me get help and get through it. That's when I knew she really was my best friend, a true friend. In the middle of highschool her dad got transfered to another county for his job. Which meant Meg was moving. I thought it was the end of the world. She was only 30-45 minutes away, but still. I couldn't see her every day, or run over to her house at night when I got pissed off at my parents. We started talking more on the phone and I visited her every weekend I could. Summer was the best, I'd stay for weeks. I loved her, her friends, and they loved me. It was great fun. But that was when my communication problems started to arise. I've never liked talking on the phone. I feel stupid, awkward, so I tend to avoid it. I'd rather talk in person. It became a problem with us, she would call and I would say I'd call back and then I wouldn't. When I missed her calls, I still wouldn't call her back. I would joke about it and call it Telephonaphobia. But now that I'm thinking back, it really wasn't funny. It was frustrating to be on my end and irritating to be on her end. When we were together we were fine. But sometimes during the school week we, as BEST friends, would need to talk. I got used to it and it did get better, but it was always still there. I think seeing each other as often as we did kind of masked the problem. Because when I could drive over to see her, the phone wasn't really an issue anymore - I was there talking to her face to face.


Then my dad got transfered. To Oklahoma. I can definitely pin-point this as one of the worst moments in my life. I LOVE the east coast. The ocean, the stinky fishy smell, the weather, the cities, it's like heaven. And I just got dumped in bumfuck Oklahoma, 1700 miles away from my best friend. We cried. I think every time we saw each other up until the day I left we cried. And drank and laughed and cried some more. And I left. I felt like I was leaving a piece of me behind though. I cried 1000 of those 1700 miles. My dad said he'd never seen me like that before. I'd never been more upset over anything in my entire life.


Here's where the phone thing kicks back in again. Now I CANT drive to her house to talk to her. I HAVE to pick up the phone. And I did. I was so proud of myself. But like a New Years Resolution, it started to fade. Every day to every few days. Every few days to once a week. Once a few weeks. Once a month. Once every few months. Now? I haven't spoken to her since December 08. 


Now, I know this is looking like all my fault, the way I'm writing it. But it's not. Our friendship didn't just fall apart over a stupid telephone issue. There were other problems. Is the lack of communication my fault? Some? Most? Yes. I accept it. Because I'm not going to lie to make myself look better, or lie to myself, because there's really no point in that. Is the fact that our friendship is...I don't even know what to call it. If there's a word for it. In shambles? Over? Unfixable? "Under Construction?" I don't know. But is it ALL my fault? No.


All I know is that I've taken and accepted my part of the blame. But I feel like she doesn't see, or doesn't want to see her share of the blame. And I know this probably sounds really confusing to everyone who's reading this. But I really can't put out anymore detail that what I've already done, because I feel that would be disrespectful to her. As angry as I am at her and as much as I don't want to - I still love her. Coming into this friendship when I was younger felt like being born into a new family. I considered her and her family mine and she did the same with me and mine. We were sisters. When strangers would ask when we were out "Oh so you're sisters?" we would say yes. Because it was the truth. The comfort of those words: family, sister, they made me feel safe. Like we would never grow apart or "break-up" or give up on each other because we were linked by such strong, powerful words. So when things escalated and I found myself kicked out of the sister circle, the family circle, the friend circle...I was hurt. I still am. Bitter. Angry. Extremely untrusting. If my sister can do this to me, who's to say any of my other friends won't? It's kind of ironic. One of our favourite movies was Lilo and Stitch. And we would say "Ohana means family. Family means no one gets left behind." We were Ohana. And I got left behind. I thought family doesn't give up on family. Even friends, true friends who love you will never give up on you. No matter how mad they make you or frustrated. I've never given up on a friend. And to feel like I've been given up on, it pretty much sucks. Because I thought we were better than that. And as dramatic as it sounds I'm afraid to get close to anyone now. Even just friends. If my family can give up on me, so can they, is how I feel.


I called her everyday for weeks after everything blew up. She wouldn't answer her phone, when she did she didn't want to talk to me, she'd "call you when I feel like talking about it." I waited. For MONTHS. And now she's calling me. Every couple days. Talking to my mom and leaving voicemails on my her phone. Following me on Twitter. Probably reading this. And in my head I can't figure out if I want to talk to her or not. I'm angry because I still love her and I don't want to. I have such mixed feelings, I want her to go away and never see/hear from her ever again. Just disappear. And then I want things to go right back to the way they were, when we were sisters. Held together by what I thought back then was an impenetrable bond. I want to talk to her, but I don't pick up the phone. Because I want to hurt her as bad as she hurt me. I want her to have the same fears I had running through my head all day, everyday -  that she's lost me forever and I won't ever speak to her again. I want her to know what it feels like to call and call and call and never get an answer. I want her to feel what I felt and still feel. Yeah, I fucked up. But she fucked up too. And if she's allowed to persecute me for what I did, I have the right to put her through hell until I feel like talking too. I don't know when I'll be ready to pick up the phone. But I deserve a waiting period too. I deserve the time to think about everything and figure out how I want to handle the situation. 


I feel better after writing this. Maybe you readers could give me some input. Have you been through something like this? Have any suggestions? What would you do in this kind of a situation?


I just don't want her to think that by picking up the phone, I'm giving in to what she wants. If I answer the phone, it's because it was my choice. Not because I feel guilted into talking to her. Just because I answer the phone, it doesn't mean that I'm backing down or that she wins. 


So is Coley gone forever? Will I answer next time she calls? I honestly don't know. Maybe.


<3nicole

10 comments:

meg.eden said...

Friendships can become so complicated as you get farther apart physically. My best mate moved to Sydney and now I see her about once a year, and we always seem to have some stupid small fight when we are together, it always gets 'fixed' but it taints that memory I have. I hope that she know i probably pick the fight so I don't miss her as much!
I guess you have to do what will make you happiest in life, is what she did bad enough to punish you both?

Idzie Desmarais said...

Hey! I found your blog through Flickr (your photo's are gorgeous, by the way), and I love your very honest writing style.

I went through a situation quite similar to this, but since I'm no longer friends with that person, I can't really give you much advice... What I can say is that I know how much it hurts, and I really hope things work out with you guys!

Peace,
Idzie

Anonymous said...

Dear Pink Lesbian,
Be aware that even biological sisters sometimes break up and stop having contact. It doesn't happen a lot, but perhaps more often than you might think.

In your case, I can see that you still love your old friend. I bet she still loves you too. That doesn't mean you cannot be angry and deeply disappointed. You wrote: "I thought we were better than that". It is bitter to find out that you weren't. But don't throw everything away because of that. It only means that neither of you is perfect. Well, neither am I, or anyone that reads this. So welcome to the club.

What you need is called with an old word 'forgive'. That is not a method or technique. It is something that will cost you a lot, and doesn't entitle you to anything. You can do it only if you are ready. But it is the only thing that can remove what is blocking you. Both of you.

Take your time and make your decision.

A last remark. You wrote about a desire to have things go right back to the way they were. But remember that everyone develops. You've grown. If you friendship will (hopefully) be restored, it will have grown as well. I think your friendship, if anything, must be a new friendship, not an old one.

Anonymous said...

I actually went through ending two really important friendships over the past two years, in situations different but with similar elements to what you're going through now. To make two very long stories short, in both cases the other parties were so incapable of admitting any sort of fault, acted with a complete disrespect of our friendship, and were so absurdly immature that eventually it became clear that I couldn't try anymore. I was putting far too much energy into something that was giving nothing back in return, and it was no longer worth it. Of course, me saying that makes it sound far easier than it really was; in one case I stuck things out for two years before realizing how miserable I truly was, and in the other I pined for about half a year.

That's not to say that I was blameless, but I think one should be able to own up to their own mistakes instead of just maintaining lies and delusions.

Granted, for me, in the last conversations I ever had with both those guys they were complete assholes, which made the decision far simpler. In the end you just have to figure out what would be best for you. Would you get more closure out of talking, regardless of the conversation's outcome? Do you feel like there is hope for things to go back to the way they were? I'm one to always seek closure, even if it means a possibly uncomfortable conversation, but you have to choose what's best for you.

I hope it all works out for you. If you want more in-depth insight (I'm trying to stay relatively vague since this is public) you're always welcome to message me on Flickr (m-ily).

<3

Signe. said...

3 years ago I moved to Canada and my 'sister' moved to England for school. Nearly exactly the same thing happened to us. I spent the first year calling then came a year of pretty much nothing and now, she facebooks me all the time and such.

I don't know what to do anymore either.

<33

Anonymous said...

a similar thing happened with me and my best friend. Pretty much around the same age you are (I stopped speaking to her & didn't answer her calls for an entire year when I was 19-20 yrs old). Now I'm 26. Anyway I had a huge tragedy happen to me and I wanted to just not talk to anyone for a long time..I turned into a hermit pretty much. And I had silly reasons to be "mad" at her as to why I wouldn't answer her calls. When I finally contacted her a year later it was through email/aim and we had a long convo. I told her why I was mad and all. I'm lucky that she is a very forgiving and sentimental person and she wanted to be friends again. So we met up and have been bestfriends ever since. But I have to admit we aren't joined at the hip like we use to be. But people grow up and change and so do friendships. We are still close and best friends but it is different (and that's okay). I really regret not answering her calls and not answering the door when she banged on it :( ...I should have swallowed my pride and told her why I was mad and what I was going through (why I wanted to be left alone). I think the best thing to do is swallow your pride. If you love her and she is a good person just call her. If she's willing to say sorry and forgive you and you're able to do the same then it can work. Friendships like that are worth fighting for. Any relationship takes work. I don't like talking on the phone either (except to her!) cause she is just so easy to talk to. Love is hard to come by so swallow your pride and say your sorry and she'll probably be sorry too. Forgiveness is the best thing in the world if both people truly mean it.

Lestrange said...

The same thing happened to me in a way...I knew my sister for 17 years...we were inseparable. Then things went bad, communication broke down, horrible things were said...And even though I tell people I don't regret losing her friendship, it makes me cry every day...If she's making an effort to call you, sure you have the right to be annoyed and treat her as she did you, but it won't fix anything until you both grow up a little and remember what friendship you had...do what my friend and I couldn't...work harder on what you love...

trippy spaz said...

Hey. I found your blog through flickr. Your pink hair caught my attention haha.

Yeah I went through something similar. I went out with this girl for 2 years. We were pretty much married and just best friends. Then things slowly turned sour and she had other interests. I'm not saying I wasn't to blame for anything, but it was a rough time for both of us. I didn't want anything to end, but it happened. This was in September 2008. I hated her for subjecting me to all that So I stopped talking to her. I knew I had to let her go and try to forget being with her no matter how hard and painful it would be. I missed her everyday even though I hated her at the same time for hurting me. Sometimes we'd talk online a little, but it was never the same. I always felt like there was this hole in the pit of my stomach whenever she'd pop up and say something to me. So I avoided her all the time until I felt like I was really over her. And plus, I avoid everyone I have a grudge against. I dated someone for a little bit, and she did too. It also helped a little to think about the worst things I could about her.
Then about 2 months ago she asked if we could get back together because we had so much together, and I told her that I didn't think that that was an option. I mean, I wouldn't just jump right back into the relationship after not having talked properly for a long time. It's not the right thing to do, is it? So I told her I'd rather that we were just friends. But I didn't tell her that I wanted to be friends before seeing if we could get back together.
Anyway, I realized a few weeks ago - after thinking about me, her, and everything we had, that I still love her no matter how imperfect she was or how our relationship turned out.
What I also realized was that you can't always hold a grudge against anyone - especially those you love most and care about. If they're willing to make things better, then you should probably take advantage of that opportunity, as moments come and go.
I don't know if any of my blabbering here helps you somehow, but I thought I'd share this with you since you're such an open book and I felt the same way you do.
I'll be passing by your blog more often (prolly link you on my blog). I love how honest you are and your writing has definitely sparked something in me. It's been a long time since I've written anything so open, real, and sincere. I think I'll start doing that again.
You are way too awesome.

Vellocet said...

well, i have no idea how i got here (well, actually is more or less the same way the girl/guy above me did xD) but i know EXACTLY how you feel. it's really weird how somebody living in a different hemisphere (i'm from uruguay, south america, between argentina and brazil- it's not that i think you're stupid or something, it's just that it's a small country and a lot of people ask me "oh, is uruguay in africa?" xD) can put what i feel in such accurate words.. anyway,

i have (or had) this friend that is (was) exactly the kind of friend you described: we were one, you couldn't name one without naming the other, we saw the world in the same way, we finished each other's sentences, listened to the same music, we did EVERYTHING together.. we are also very much alike, so people would always think we were twins. in a way she was. she was my family. her family was my family. we thought ourselves as siemese twins instead of just twins. there was a time when i was going thorough some rough things, and she was there. always. she was the first one to ever see the nasty cuts in my arms, she was the one who always took care of me, i would go to her house everytime i didnt want to sleep at home or things went rough with my parents, i told her everything, and she did as well. but something happened between all that. maybe i was too selfish, and my depresion started to eat the relationship, i never fully understood it. but there were a lot of things i did, mistakes (that i know exist but at the same time can't indentify them), that drove her away.. she started acting colder when i was around, which destroyed me. i fell in a new depression, and now i didn't have her with me. i called her and she wouldn't answer the phone, i texted her. nothing. i emailed her. nothing. but i still wasn't sure what made her explode.

well, time passed and it was clear that our relationship would never EVER be the same. i literally went crazy. i felt kicked out of her life. i felt it like a divorce. that's when i fully realised what she was for me. "friendship lasts forever" but what happens when what is supposed to last forever comes to an end so abruptly? what's left for everything else? i couldn't mantain a relationship with anyone. i was too afraid to show anyone how much i cared for him/her, i was too afraid they would leave how she did.

after a while (several months) we started talking again. and things weren't anywhere near what they were before. but she started trusting me things again, i talked to her about my new life (new school, new friends, new boyfriend, etc), and things seemed to go well.

now i don't like her so much. i still love her madly, and probably always will, but i feel like she abandoned me when i really needed her.. anyway, i still hope we can feel at least half of what we felt for each other.. only time will tell.

i really hope you can talk to your friend and work things out, but sometimes timing is everything. maybe you both should look at it with different perspectives and try to remember what you had. (sorry, my advises aren't always the best xD)

thanks for the space :) and sorry if my english sucks xD

ps: your hair is awesome :D haha. and your writing is really good :) i'll be following your blog :)

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure why I go to these places on the net
with old lives in my memory pasted on the oh so young.

I watch though and think, and wonder at what people can become.. what they were , are and might be.

I remembered things differently but I've corrected that now.

Finding who you are will be a life time project where sometimes you'll fingerpaint like it was elementary on a desk with shaving cream... and sometimes you'll agonize over every word just like i did in college.

Keep on going :) good to see you're still trucking.. from someone who should be an old friend instead of a ghost haunting...

these places on the net
with old lives in my memory pasted on the oh so young.

Post a Comment